Counting Down to Christmas
by Kazo Sakamari
Summary: Merry Christmas everyone! Sirius and James realise the true meaning of family...
1. Chapter 1

So this is going to be a revised attempt on my story thing last year...which failed. Horribly.

Basically like an advent calender, except instead of chocolates you get stories!

We'll see how long this last this year... ;)

I don't own Harry Potter.

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It was the first day of December.

The air was brisk and cold, the sun was shining high in the sky and the snow pilled itself high along the castle walls. Sirius could already feel the chill beginning to settle itself within his bones and it had nothing to do with the temperature outside the castle.

Actually it had more to do with the letter sitting in front of him.

Crisp white parchment and an elegant black script.

His mother's handwriting...

Sirius liked to pretend he was brave. He was after all a Gryffindor…but Sirius knew he wasn't brave, he wasn't strong, he wasn't courageous. Most of his daring acts, his reckless behavior was fueled by fear.

Because most of the time Sirius was afraid, most of the time he was scared shitless. But he had long ago realized that just because he was scared, the world wasn't going to stop and give him time to collect himself or figure things out. He just had to go with it.

And so he did.

Because Sirius wasn't brave. Ever. He was a coward...and right now he felt more like a coward than he ever had in his life.

The sound of the thick parchment being torn filled the silent classroom and Sirius carefully unfolded the letter.

_Due to your unfortunate choice of houses Sirius, you are not welcome in ours. Do not return home for Christmas._

_Walburga Black_

Sirius liked to pretend he was brave…but right now he couldn't even…

Thick tears formed at the edge of his eyes but he refused to let them fall.

Who said he gave a fuck if he went back home for break?

But that one word said it all…_home..._

* * *

Please leave a review! It would really mean a lot to me!

Also if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them!

_Review! :)_


	2. Chapter 2

So day 2...still going strong! Only 23 more days till Christmas!

_Please leave a review!_

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"But I don't want to have a red nose, I'm stunning enough as I am."

Sirius gave James a dark look as he finished up with Remus…who was now short, fat and jolly.

"Prongs…mate. We've been over this..."

"You have to James, it's part of the plan." Remus added, poking experimentally at his belly.

"But I don't want to." James pouted like a petulant child.

"And that doesn't matter."

"Look, if there was another way we'd do it that way. But we're short on time, supplies and Peter is still in the hospital wing. This is the only way James." Sirius said, leaning against the cupboard wall brushing his black fringe out of this eyes.

"I don't want to."

"James…" Remus groaned, a scowl forming on his scarred face. But Sirius stepped in before things got nasty, crouching down in front of James.

After a moment of silent conversation between the two purebloods Sirius stood up, a satisfied smirk on his face.

"Fine, get it over with." James scowled, his bright hazel eyes pouting.

Remus nodded, pulling out his wand.

* * *

"You said it would wear off in an hour! How am I supposed to meet up with Evans like this?!"

"Well…it did…a little."

"By meet...did you mean stalk...?" Peter questioned, watching at James' face soon turn a shade of red that could almost rival his glowing red nose.

"My nose is...my nose..." Gesturing wildly at his colorful nose James let out a defeated groan and sank down into the uncomfortable wooden chair next to Peter's bed.

Peter stifled a laugh by turning it into a coughing fit and Sirius and Remus exchanged glances.

"It's really not that bad Prongs, and it's not like Evans ever gives you a second glance anyways."

"Yeah, you can barely tell..." Remus tried after elbowing Sirius in the gut, aiming for a more calming approach.

"Then why the hell are you all bathed in red light?!"

Remus' lips twitched as he struggled to keep a straight face, because James had a point. The hospital wing did have a faint red glow to it that could only be attributed to their incandescent friend. He tried to turn away before bursting into hysterical laughter but failed instead burying his face in Peter's blankets in an attempt to stifle the sound.

Sirius chuckled…and then it only took moments before he too disintegrated into uncontrollable laughter.

James tried to keep his face straight but Sirius' bark like laugh was infectious and soon he too had tears streaming out of his hazel eyes.

"To be fair though…" Sirius managed to get out in between fits of laughter, "you made a damn good Rudolph."

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So...what'd you think?

_Please Review!_


	3. Chapter 3

So this is just barely making the cutoff and I'm losing valuable sleep by posting/writing this...so...please review!

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"Hey! Sirius, did you take my herbology assignment? I cant-" Remus stopped mid sentence and stared. "What the bloody hell are you wearing?"

Sirius turned around from where he was standing in front of the mirror buttoning up his Santa Claus outfit.

"What? Oh, yeah! It's some weird muggle thing, people dress up like Santa and people tell him what they want for Christmas, Slytherins are hosting a Christmas party in the dungeons."

The black haired boy flashed Remus a dazzling smile before turning back to the mirror to adjust his belt.

"I know that..." Remus opened his mouth wordlessly "I just...what..."

"Oh spit it out Moony, I've got places to be."

"Why are you wearing it?"

Letting out his peculiar bark like laugh Sirius turned to Remus again, a devilish smirk on his thin lips.

"_Because Santa knows where all the bad girls live_." He winked and brushed past Remus heading for the common room. It took Remus a second before he realized he was missing something...

"Oi! What about my essay?!"

* * *

I really wanted to use that line...and Sirius is just perfect for it.

So...leave a review! Please?


	4. Chapter 4

So...I'm a day behind, this was meant for yesterday and I'm barely making today...but eh. Still posting.

And no reviews! Come on guys! Not even one... :(

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"Oi Black! What are you doing?"

"Playing a nice game of chess, what does it look like?" Sirius snapped, scowling at being interrupted. He had been in a bad mood for days and after a multitude of ideas James had finally figured out a way to fix it.

"Why aren't you packing?"

Sirius ran a frustrated hand through his hair and growled. A sure sign that shit was about to go down.

"I'm not packing because I'm not going home. Because my parents banned me from my own fucking house! _Remember?"_

Ignoring his friends tone James waved a hand impatiently and continued with his train of thought as though he hadn't been interrupted. Something only James could do, one of the main reasons he was doing the talking here and not Remus or Peter.

"But you need to pack, the train leaves in an hour. My parents would be terribly disappointed if we were late."

"I...what?"

"My house, Christmas? Remember?'"

"No I don't fucking remember! _Because we never talked about this James!"_

James pushed his glasses up his nose, "oh yeah...well we're talking about it now."

"You can't just up and decided to drag people to your house for winter break Potter!"

"Are you coming or not?"

This was the defining question. A thick silence filled the air as Sirius glowered at the other Marauders. The offer had been made, now it came down to Sirius...and whether or not he would let his pride slide for his happiness.

"I'll need my Beatles' shirt back Prongs." Sirius said stiffly as he shoved Remus away from the stair case. James beamed and practically bounced after his friend, giving Remus and Peter a broad smile as he passed them.

"This'll be awesome! You won't regret it Sirius, I swear. We'll play quidditch and make biscuits and-"

Sirius paused at their dormitory door, tucking his long black hair behind his ear.

"I know James...it'll be great." He said softly, giving his friend a small smile. But it was a real smile, something that James and the rest of the Marauders hadn't seen in a while.

"It'll be great." Jame agreed, throwing an arm around his best friend's shoulders. "Come on, I'll help you pack."

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Please leave a review! I'll love you forever if you do!


	5. Chapter 5

And here's number five! Please leave a review!

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"I just don't know what to get him! I always get Remus books, and I get you whatever."

James paused to look at his friend, Sirius was wearing his thick black fur lined cloak and a fur hat. He looked terribly like the rich snobby pureblood heir that he was supposed to be, but he also looked warm.

Once again James cursed himself for choosing a cheap but cool looking cloak instead of the expensive fur lined one his mother had recommended.

Sirius cocked his head, eyebrows raised as he laughed.

"You get me...whatever?"

"Not like that. You know what I mean."

"No, I actually don't. Please elaborate Prongs."

"I mean I never have a problem thinking about what to get you. And you bloody knew what I meant you just wanted to hear me say it."

Sirius winked and brushed some snow from his eyelashes.

"Guilty, what about pranking supplies. Those are always a good backup gift."

James eyed Zonkos up the road carefully.

"But I already got all of you pranking supplies, I'll just look like a bastard if that's all I get him."

Sirius nodded understandingly and quirked his lips at his violently shivering friend. After a long moment of comfortable silence he opened his mouth then closed it.

"What?" James asked curiously.

"No I just...was thinking..." Sirius trailed off, his cold gray eyes breaking away from James'.

"And...?" James prodded carefully.

"No...maybe you should get him something that he can share..." Sirius said softly, eyes downcast.

"That he can share?"

"Yeah...like a new chess set or something...something he can do with his little sister. I think he'd like that, spending more time with her."

"I...yeah sure. If you think he'll like it."

"He will." The conviction in Sirius' voice shook James a little and he gave his friend a long look.

"Regulus is staying at the Castle for Christmas this year isn't he?"

Sirius nodded, tucking his shaking hands inside his cloak.

"We should invite him up to the dorm sometime, he could hang out with us."

"I don't know if he'd like that."

"You'd like that though." It was a statement, not a question. Sirius didn't even bothered answering, James could read him like a book, annoying as it was sometimes.

"You'll ask him?"

Sirius let out a muffled groan nodded.

"Course. Come on, let's get you a butterbeer and then hit Lizzy's Pawn shop before heading back to the Castle."

James nodded furiously.

"Yes please!"

* * *

So...review!


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks to the random person who gave me a review! Thank you! Please...feel free to leave another!

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James looked up from his essay as Sirius strode into the dormitory, pausing to glance at the calendar.

"Full moon's coming up." He remarked, giving Remus a look.

"I know." Remus frowned not looking up from where he was editing his essay.

"So..."

James raised an eyebrow and sent his friend a questioning look.

"What do you want for Christmas Moony?" Peter let out a chuckle and Remus set his quill down with a soft smile, knowing that he wasn't going to get much done now that Sirius was here.

"I don't want anything...I've got everything I could ever want already." A soft pink flush colored his cheeks and Sirius smirked.

"True...we _are_ pretty amazing..."

"No I'm serious! And don't even think about it." He added seeing the look on Sirius' face. "You guys are the best friends I've ever had...you became animigus for me!"

James rolled his eyes, "that was nothing Moony! Easy shit."

"Yeah, we do that for everyone." Peter chimed in, smiling.

"But no seriously...what do you want for Christmas Remus?"

* * *

Review...? Please...?


	7. Chapter 7

So I missed a few days dew to finals...sorry about that! Thanks to the two people who have reviewed so far! It made my day!

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"It's snowing!" Sirius exclaimed, pressing his face against the window.

"Yeah, so?"

"It's the first snowfall of the year! We should go outside!"

Remus frowned and waved his half written essay in Sirius face.

"Charms essay? Ring a bell mate?"

"But it's snowing..." Sirius whined, his quicksilver eyes widening, lips forming into a pout.

"I think Sirius is right." Peter piped up, seeing the stubborn pout on Sirius face and the scowl on Remus' and knowing that it was time to intervene.

"We have to finish this. It's due tomorrow..."

"Yes, but we haven't been working much in the last half hour."

James cocked his head thoughtfully, eyeing the thick white snowflakes drifting outside his window.

"We could...maybe steal some brooms, mess around on the pitch for a bit?"

"It's one in the morning! This essay is due in exactly eight hours!" Remus snapped, but even he could feel his resolve weakening at the sight if Sirius large grey eyes and the peacefully falling snow.

"Please Remus...?"

"Yeah, please Remmy...?"

"Oh fine. But we are finishing this. And I'm not letting you lot copy." Remus snapped before letting a smile grace his scarred face.

"Come on, don't forget to bring some gloves."

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So yeah...this is two in the morning unedited stuff...but still. You should all review!


	8. Chapter 8

So yeah...still missing a few days...but...here's another one! Thanks to Zang and AppleRain for reviewing!

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"I just don't understand why we're doing this."

"It's because you have no Christmas spirit Padfoot."

Sirius threw a lump of cookie dough at James' face with a scowl.

"I do too!"

"Says the boy who hexed anyone within reach singing a Christmas carol." Remus chuckled, "Pass me the tree cookie cutter Peter."

"I do have Christmas spirit." Sirius repeated again, looking a little more concerned now as he mashed his ball of dough between his hands nervously.

"You hate Christmas!" James exclaimed after adding a few sprinkles to his cookies. "No...as a matter of fact you hate all holidays!"

Peter frowned, thinking for a moment before saying, "Prongs is right, you're always in a bad mood for the holidays. Not just Christmas, Easter too."

Remus opened his mouth for a second but closed it upon seeing the look on Sirius' face.

"Well why the fuck should I like the holidays? I'm forced to go back home to that wretched place! With my bloody awful parents! And you all get to go back to your nice comfy houses with your bloody perfect fucking parents!"

"Sirius...we didn't mean it like that..." Remus said quietly, breaking the silence after Sirius' outburst.

"Yeah...and you know...you're always welcome in my house Pads." James said, nudging Sirius gently with his shoulder.

"I know. It's just..." He trailed off long pale fingers messing with his unfinished cookie.

"It's _home._" Peter whispered and Sirius gray eyes snapped up, catching Peter's gaze. Peter flinched at the sudden emotion and coldness in Sirius eyes before giving him a nervous smile.

"Yeah...it's home...thanks Wormtail." A fleeting smile flickered across Sirius' thin face and he stood up suddenly. "I'm gonna go mail something off real quick, I'll be back in a bit guys."

And in seconds he was gone.

Remus looked at the lumpy ball of dough that was Sirius' cookie and then to James.

"Think he'll be okay?"

"Yeah...he'll be fine. He's got us, no matter what."

* * *

So...review?


	9. Chapter 9

So...here's another one! I want to thank jaydenquire for leaving a review! And Izzy for leaving not one, but three wonderful review!

To Izzy: Please don't stop reviewing! It makes my day and I love hearing what you think! I'm glad to brighten up your day down in the southern hemisphere! And your reviews brighten mine!

* * *

"I'm not so sure this is a good idea..." Peter panted, sweat dripping down his crinkled forehead.

"It's a bloody brilliant idea!" James laughed, panting as well as the two of them dragged the large pine tree along the side of the Quidditch pitch.

"But we might get in trouble!"

"We always get in trouble. We're Marauders! We live and breathe trouble! Trouble is our middle name!"

"No it's not...my middle name is John."

James stopped suddenly and let out a long sigh. "You know what I mean. And this is a good idea because it'll cheer Remus up."

"Well, yes I know that...but maybe we shouldn't have stolen the tree from Hagrid..."

"How else would we have gotten a tree as nice as this?" James scowled, though he too felt a slight twinge of guilt in his stomach at what they had done.

"I don't know! I'm sure Sirius could have figured something out..."

"Well Sirius is down for the count, so we have to make do."

"Yeah...it's just so bloody heavy!" Peter laughed, and paused for a second. "Can you get the door Prongs?"

"Yeah...just let me..." Struggling for a second to dig his wand out of his pocket without dropping the giant tree, he pulled it out and magicked the door open.

"Come on, the spell is only going to last a few more minutes. Do you have the map?"

"Yeah," Peter panted as they picket up the pace. "We're clear right now. Not for long though...Flich is moving our way."

"Alright. Let's go."

* * *

They made it to the Hospital Wing without incident, just barely missing Flich and Professor McGonagall who made a surprise appearance. The tree now stood proudly in the middle of the hospital wing, standing up with the use of magic and some guy wires.

Sirius and Remus were still knocked out under the influence of a dreamless sleep potion and therefore didn't notice the ruckus that Peter and James were making as they decorated the tree.

"Wha...? Prongs...?" Sirius muttered as he began to stir and James froze in the middle of putting the star onto of the tree.

"Yeah mate?"

"Did you put a bloody Christmas tree up?"

"I..."

"James...is that you...?" Remus asked, sitting up gingerly rubbing his bloodshot eyes.

"Morning mates!"

"Good morning..." Remus said dryly still blinking trying to get used to the bright light of the midday hospital wing.

"Merry Christmas!" Peter and James said brightly.

Sirius cocked an eyebrow and scowled looking rather unimpressed and rolled over to face the window.

"It's beautiful!" Remus gasped as he finally saw what James and Peter had done.

"See Padfoot? At least some one appreciates all out hard work." James snickered as Sirius made a rude hand gesture in their direction.

* * *

So...review please...?


	10. Chapter 10

And here's another! Please leave a review!

* * *

"It's not fucking working!" James muttered exasperated as he waved his wand angrily at the paper snowflakes that covered the floor of the Marauders dormitory.

"Just try it again, with less...anger." Sirius suggested rather unhelpfully from where he sat on James four poster cutting out more snowflakes. "Why do we have to do this the muggle way? I could just magic it."

"Keep doing it!" James snarled, still glaring at his useless and now slightly crumpled snowflake.

"Fine...don't get your knickers in a twist mate."

Setting down his scissors Sirius looked over at James.

"Alright, what are you doing again?"

"Mixing a sticking charm with an engorgement charm, but trying to make it so that the snowflake is weightless as it grows."

Sirius bit his lip for a moment, closing his eyes in thought.

"Break it up maybe? Add the engorgement charm and the weightlessness charm together. You'll only have to change a few words at the end and then mix in the sticking charm after?"

"I'll try that..."

Sirius nodded and went back to his snowflakes when after a few minutes of James' muttering in latin his friend gave a yelp.

"IT WORKS!"

"Good. I was getting tired of this...can you expand the charm to do them all at once?"

"Yeah I think so..."

"Great. Because I'm tired."

"You're always tired Padfoot."

"Yes, because we spend all out time doing this shite when we should be sleeping."

Pushing his glasses up his nose James smirked.

"Good point...this is going to be so fucking awesome though!"

Letting out a sharp bark like laugh Sirius smiled.

"I know! I can't wait to see Dumbledore's face!"

"Dumbledore! Can you imagine Minnie's face?!"

Their prank was not nearly close to finished, but the sound of laughter and cursing filled the Marauder's dormitory early into the morning.

Least to say, havoc was wreaked at breakfast the next day...

* * *

Review!


	11. Chapter 11

So I'm back! And there's only five more days till Christmas!

Don't forget to review!

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The air was brisk and cold, pushing it's way into the house as Sirius stumbled through the door. His pale face was tinged with pink from the brisk wind and snow covered his thick black eyelashes.

"Prongs mate. You have no idea how happy I am to be here." Sirius grunted as he shoved James aside and collapsed onto the couch.

"Well hello to you too."

"Where's Evans, and by Evans I mean my lovely godson."

"Lily's cleaning Harry up. He got into the flour while she was baking."

"That's my boy." Sirius said, a smile flickering onto his drawn face as he drifted off to sleep. James frowned slightly as he pulled out a quilt and gently tucked his friend in.

"Is he asleep already?" Lily asked, appearing in the doorway bouncing Harry on her hip.

"Yeah, something happened but he passed out before he told me what."

A frown tugged at Lily's pink lips and her green eyes widened.

"Something happened? But it's Christmas James…"

"War doesn't stop for Christmas, and neither does Sirius for that matter."

A soft laugh escaped Lily and she nodded, but the worried look in her eyes didn't disappear.

"Well, you keep an eye on him James Potter. I'm going to finish up the final details on our _first_ Christmas dinner as a family!"

She laughed again and handed Harry over to her husband before disappearing into the kitchen.

* * *

Sirius stirred and blearily opened one silver eye.

"Prongs…?"

"You're safe mate, you're fine." James reassured him from where he was playing with Harry on the carpet.

"Is that Prongslet?"

"Paddy!" Harry exclaimed, his tiny little fists reaching out for his godfather. Sirius smiled and swept Harry up onto his chest, blowing kissed all over the baby's face.

"Oh how I missed you Harry!"

"Oi, what about me?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, "you're daddy's an idiot Harry, isn't he?" Harry made a gruggling noise and smiled brightly.

"Traitor." James laughed watching the two of them. Sirius was a natural with babies, and children in general. Which James had always found funny because his best friend was probably the least fit father in the world, but Harry loved him. And Sirius loved Harry.

After a few minutes of silence James opened his mouth, "so what's going on out there…? What happened today Pads?"

Harry, almost sensing the change in the mood quieted down and hugged Sirius' arm tightly.

Sirius shook his head and wrapped an arm protectively around his godson.

"Nothing good Prongs."

"You have to tell me something mate! I've been trapped in this bloody house for ages, I have no idea what's happening in the real world!"

"Fine. _Fine_, you want to know what's happening. This is what's bloody happening. Marlene's dead. The Prewett brother's are dead. Benjy's dead. Do you know what I did this morning? My fucking Christmas morning?! I spent it murdering Death Eaters! Igor, Evan, Julian, all dead now. Because of me."

"They were Death Eaters Sirius. It's part of the job..."

Sirius closed his eyes tightly and held Harry tighter.

"I know it's part of the job! But...we're children James. We're bloody children, pretending to be adults. Except we're not adults and we don't know how to be because we're fucking children! I'm nineteen Prongs! Nineteen and I spent my Christmas murdering people and cleaning up their bodies! _This isn't how things are supposed to be!_"

James nodded slowly, his hazel eyes glistening with unshed tears. Because he knew it too, this wasn't how their lives where supposed to turn out. Not even close.

"I'm sorry Padfoot. I'm so sorry…"

"Yeah…me too Prongs. Merry Christmas mate."

* * *

_So...review...?_


	12. Chapter 12

And now I'm just making up for the bit's I've missed...leave a review if you want! I'd really like it!

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It was all fake.

The bright smiles.

The laughter.

It was all fake. And Sirius was for once glad he wasn't allowed to be there.

As a child he had begged and pleaded his parents to let him attend their annual Christmas party. The results of his begging had never been good (a few nasty scars had come of it) and he had never been allowed to go.

Then he arrived at Hogwarts...and suddenly he didn't want to go anymore.

Except this year...this year he couldn't stay at Hogwarts.

He had been suspended. For good reason he supposed...if he was being honest with himself he was shocked that he actually hadn't been expelled. Attempted murder seemed like it might warrant expulsion...but apparently not.

Dropping his head into his hands Sirius groaned.

"Siri...?" Jumping in surprise Sirius twisted around.

"Regulus. You scared me."

"Yes...I can see that." Regulus hovered at the stairs for a second before taking a few tentative steps into the room. "I thought you would have tried to escape to Potter's by now."

Sirius stiffened and shrugged.

"Naw, he's still pissed at me. Everyone's pissed at me."

"Oh..." Regulus sat down indian style on the floor and dug a small napkin full of treats out of his pocket. "What did you do?" He asked, offering his brother a truffle.

"I...I...fucked up. I betrayed the only friends I had."

"You didn't betray me." Regulus whispered, nibbling on a chocolate.

"Didn't I?"

Regulus sighed and tossed Sirius another chocolate.

"No. You didn't Sirius. You're my brother, you'll always be my brother. And yeah, despite being in Gryffindor and ignoring me for Potter and those other fuckheads you still love me. You've never given up on me Sirius...ever. You've always had my back, tried to show me what's right in life and even if I go down the wrong path you still love me. You've been a bit of an arse, and a bit of a dickhead, and you can be unbelievably thick sometimes, but you're not a bad person Sirius."

_"I tried to kill Snape!"_

Regulus rolled his eyes. "Everyone wants that slime ball dead, you're just the first to do something about it."

_"I tried...to kill him!"_

"Yes...I got that. You had a reason I'm sure though?"

"I...I...yeah..."

"And was it a good reason?"

Sirius faltered...running his hands through his hair.

"I thought it was, but apperantly it wasn't good enough."

Regulus sighed again, eyes flickering back toward the the stairs and the party that lay below.

"This is what I think brother. I think you're a good person, who happens to be a Black. You take too much stock in what our parents say-"

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do. You try to pretend that Mum words don't sting and Dad's belt doesn't hurt, but I know it does. It hurts me anyways..."

"Regulus..."

"No, we're not going there today Siri. This is about you. _You_ are trying to find a balance, trying to please our parents and your friends. But it's not going to work, it can't be done Sirius! You have to pick a side and stick to it, there is no inbetween, not here, not now..."

"I can't do that Regulus...that'd mean leaving you."

"I can take care of myself now Sirius, and honestly...you belong with them more than you've ever belong here." He gestured to the party that was going on below them.

"They wouldn't take me back, even if I tried."

Regulus stood up, brushing off his expensive dress robes.

"They'd be fools not to. You may be an idiot sometimes, and _you are a Black,_ but you're loyal and the best friend they'll ever have."

Regulus paused at the edge of the staircase.

"You really ought to give yourself more credit Sirius. Merry Christmas brother."

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A cute little brother to brother fic...please leave a review!


	13. Chapter 13

So...a little late...but Merry Christmas to everyone! I hope you all are having a good holiday and are doing well!

Please leave a review and let me know what you thought!

* * *

Sirius stared at the door in the dim light. He had no idea what time it was…probably around two in the morning, so technically Christmas day.

Right across the hall, not even ten feet away, was James.

Because he was in James house. Not his house.

James' home, not his home…or rather…it was his home now.

Letting out a shaky breath Sirius opened the door and crossed the hallway in his socks, trying to be as quiet as possible.

"James…?" He whispered, ear pressed to the door. "James, are you awake?"

There was a muffled thump which Sirius took as permission to enter.

"Hey mate…"

A disheveled looking James peered up at Sirius from the floor where he had landed upon falling off the bed.

"Hey…"

Sirius stepped around the piles of Quidditch magazines and dirty clothes and sat down on James bed.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Yeah, me neither." James lied and Sirius chuckled.

"You defiantly weren't just asleep then."

"Course not." James smirked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "So what's up Pads?"

Sirius shrugged and wrapped his arms around himself. In the early morning light creeping through James' windows he looked older than his sixteen years.

His shaggy black hair fell in his face, not quite covering the blue black bruise that ran from his temple to mouth. Those quicksilver eyes of his that James had always found so…enchanting…were hallow and haunted in the shadows.

"James…" His voice cracked for the first time in years and the mask fell apart...

All this time, all this time he'd been trying so damn hard to forget. So damn hard to forgive.

But he couldn't.

How could he forget what they did to him when the memories were etched in his own skin?

How could he ever forgive them when even a faint mention of _her_ name caused him to quake in fear?

He couldn't.

Not now…maybe not ever. But he just knew he couldn't.

This was sixteen years of his life. _Sixteen years..._

Gone.

Useless.

Sixteen years that he now had to spend trying to make up for. Trying to fix. Trying to keep going…

"Hey…" James' face swam into his view, concern in his friend's squinting eyes.

"Where are your glasses Prongs?" Sirius asked, a thin smile on his lips that didn't reach his eyes.

"Lost them is this." James gestured to the general chaos of his room as he sat down next to Sirius. "Do you miss them? Is that what this is about?"

"I…no. Of course not! They were…_awful _Prongs…just awful…"

"Trust me, I know." James muttered, calloused hands brushing Sirius' still healing face.

"I just…I spent all those years trying to please them. Trying to make them love me, trying to understand why they_ hated_ me…"

"And…?"

"And I realized…there is no explanation. There is nothing that can explain what they did to me."

"I…I'm really sorry you had to go through that mate."

Sirius just shrugged, and brushed his hair out of his face.

"But you know what…?"

"What?"

"You're home now…" James whispered, pulling Sirius close and wrapping his arms tight around his friends shaking shoulders.

"I know…and I can't thank you enough Prongs. This is the best Christmas present anyone's ever gotten me."

"Well just wait until morning and we'll see if that still holds."

Sirius laughed, but his eyes were still haunted and his shoulders were still shaking slightly. His hands gripped James' pajamas tightly and he leaned into the comforting embrace of his best friend, his brother.

* * *

The next morning, or more accurately…afternoon, Mrs. Potter found her two boys curled together in James bed, hands still linked.

"Merry Christmas Boys." She said as she shook them gently awake.


End file.
